The Choices We Make Define Us
by Calling to Say Goodbye
Summary: She grabbed the tablet out of his hand. Her senses were instantly assaulted by the information on the screen, everything they knew so far, and the small out of intel they had discovered since he had first called her. The case had almost cost her her own life. Now she had something she couldn't lose to it, something she couldn't walk out on. Season 8 Speculation. Three shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello!**

 **Here's something I just couldn't get out of my head. Based on speculation for the early part of Season 8. Spoilers for all aired episodes so far.**

 **Disclaimer: Yeah. I own nothing Castle related expect the DVDs.**

* * *

She sighed as she checked the time for the fourth time in five minutes. He was late, and she was impatient. A notification from her burner phone shook her our of her thoughts, and she checked the text.

 _Almost there._

She needed him to be here now, before she changed her mind. Again. Kate had gone back and forth on her decision in the last day more times than she could count. She knew she was doing the right thing now. Although she had been convinced of that all along, telling herself that over and over again at night when she couldn't sleep. What she had learnt this morning had shaken her to her very core, and she couldn't pretend anymore.

She couldn't pretend that she was better off without her husband, and that he was better off without her.

Kate sighed again as she absentmindedly twisted her wedding ring on her finger. A small smile flew across her lips as she thought of how Castle always made fun of her for the habit. He said it was her tell, that it showed she was nervous.

Nervous didn't even cover it for how she currently felt.

The door to the car opened, and she turned to see Vikram letting himself into the car. It was how they tended to meet if either of them had any information, in her car down an alley or a backroad somewhere no one would see them.

"What's going on? Did you find something?" He questioned, clearly confused about the unscheduled meeting that she had text him about only an hour before hand.

"No, not exactly." She turned to him, "Did you bring the tablet?" She hoped he didn't notice the quiver in her voice.

"Yeah, just like you asked." He pulled it out of his pocket to hand to her. She wasn't giving a lot away, she knew that, but she needed to do this before she could talk herself out of it.

"Thanks," she grabbed the tablet out of his hand and quickly turned it on. Her senses were instantly assaulted by the information on the screen, everything they knew about the case so far, and the small out of intel they had discovered since he had first called her. She looked at it all, desperately trying to ignore the tears in her eyes. This case had almost cost her the lives of everyone she loved. It had almost cost her her own life. Now she had something she couldn't lose to it, something she couldn't walk out on.

It had broken her heart to leave her husband like she had, and she had spent the last two months trying to convince herself to not go back. She had to keep him out of danger, and she hadn't cared about her own safety, hadn't considered what throwing herself into the firing line again meant for her family.

That is, she hadn't considered that until this morning.

She ran a hand over her mouth quickly, as if trying to scrub away an explanation to the man sat next to her.

"I'm sorry, Vikram. I can't do this anymore." She whispered, and without thinking about it any further she deleted the information. Deleted everything they worked for. Everything she had left the love of her life for.

She thought she'd have felt relief, like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. But she didn't. She felt nothing.

"Beckett, I don't understand." He was calm, as he always had been with her. He was a reasonable man, a stranger until this had all started. He had given her many outs over the last two months, apparently able to read the constant conflict she felt.

"I need to go home." Her voice was flat, not matching the tears rolling down her cheeks. The tablet now lay in her lap.

"What's changed?"

"I'm pregnant."

He didn't ask anymore questions. After a short conversation he left the car, and she wondered if she would see him again. Even if she wasn't looking into this it wasn't over. Bracken had been killed in a high security prison. Powerful people were still after her, but she couldn't antagonise them anymore. She couldn't try to draw them out of wherever they were. She was having a baby, Castle's baby. She already had the overwhelming urge to protect her child, and she had only known of it's existence for 12 hours.

It occurred to her later, when she was on the way to the Loft, that her husband should have been the first person to find out, not her partner in her vigilante justice. She'd always dreamed when they did conceive Castle would be on the other side of their bathroom door as she peed on the stick, after she would have insisted she wasn't going to pee with him in the room. Then she'd let him in and they would wait out the longest minutes of their collective lives together.

That's not what happened though. She had found out herself in a motel bathroom, and her tears had not been those of happiness.

Castle had made her believe in dreams again, made her believe that she was more than her mothers case. That she could be a wife, a step-mother, a daughter-in-law, a _mother_ and a fantastic cop all rolled into one. She had believed him.

She didn't believe him anymore.

* * *

 **I know it's short, I'm thinking this will be a two or three shot. Next part will be Kate arriving at the Loft.**

 **Is it just me or is everyone getting a little tired of the Kate hate out there at the moment? Now believe me, I usually defend Castle to the hills. Everyone walks all over him at times (and yes, I include all the lovely women in his life) and he lets it happen. But Kate loves him, and in her head she's doing this for the right reasons. He'll take her back, they wouldn't write it for them to break up permanently, but it will be difficult I'm sure. It will take him a while to trust her again.**

 **I kind of hope they do write the pregnancy thing into it, because I think it would be interesting to watch them grow back together again whilst planning for a baby.**

 **Anyway, that's kind of beside the point.**

 **Please review, and let me know if you want to read more :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys!**

 **Thank you so much for the positive response to the first chapter! I was a little overwhelmed when I came back from work.**

 **Just to clear a couple things up that caused confusion from Chapter 1, Kate does want the baby, but the timing of it makes her uneasy. This is explored more in this chapter, along with her own feelings on what made her leave Castle in the first place.**

 **This chapter is a lot longer than the last one - I got a little carried way! There will be a third chapter, which is almost already done so should be up in the next couple of days. So, enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

Kate was stood outside the door of the loft, internally debating with herself if she should let herself in or not. She wasn't sure if she had the right to do so anymore, or if he would want her to. In the end, her reluctance to knock on the door of her own home won out and she pulled her keys out of her coat pocket before she could change her mind.

As she walked into the loft she realised she didn't even know if anyone was home, and judging by the empty living area in front of her no one was. She took a deep breath and closed the door behind her. Kate removed her coat and dumped it over the back of the sofa. She had left her duffel bag in the boot of her car, unsure if she would be welcome to stay.

Nausea rose from her stomach and Kate couldn't tell if it was nerves or the so called morning sickness she had been ignoring for a few weeks. She'd put it down to her current lifestyle at first. The lack of sleep, forgetting to eat and working all the time. She had been spoiled by Castle over the last few years, and her body was no longer used to the way she had lived before him.

Of course that hadn't been the case. It was hard for her to believe it had only been that morning she had taken the test, finally ready to admit to herself something else was going on. The moment the stick had turned blue every missed meal, every sleepless night came back and instantly haunted her with guilt. She still didn't know exactly how pregnant she was, although she guessed just over two months, but she felt like she was already letting her child down.

The nausea drove her into the kitchen to get a glass of water. She moved around the space with ease, finding it strangely comforting to be in such a familiar setting. She grabbed a glass from the cupboard and moved over to the sink. Before she made it across the kitchen something caught her eye. She crinkled her eyebrows in confusion as she saw paperwork on the counter a few inches to her left. Castle never left paper work outside his office. As he'd once told her, they were a clumsy household and he had lost many a contract to his mother spilling a glass of wine at just the wrong moment.

Her eyes caught what was written across the top, and her heart jumped into her throat. Her details were written in a box, and Castles in another. The address on the top of the page belonged to his lawyer. Divorce papers. He'd drawn up divorce papers.

Now she really was going to be sick. The nausea increased tenfold, and she just about managed to make it to the trash can before she threw up.

He wanted a divorce.

Her hands shook as she moved over to the sink to fill up the glass still clutched in her right hand. The soft clink of her wedding ring as it hit the faucet mocked her. She took a sip of water, knowing if she drank much more she'd be sick again, and she stood facing the wall over the sink. Again, something caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. It was his wedding ring. He'd taken it off. She picked it up and clutched it in her hand.

She had ruined everything.

"Kate?" His voice shocked her and made her jump as she turned around to look at him. They stared at each other for a second, each surprised by each others presence. "What are you doing here?" His voice was flat, but forced. She knew him well enough to know he could never be like that towards her. Even in their most bitter of fights, he always let her know how he felt.

"I needed to talk to you."

"And you couldn't call?"

"I didn't really think. I just found myself here." Her eyes flicked to the papers on the counter, and his did too. His eyes widened. Clearly this wasn't how he had intended her to find out.

"I was going to get them sent tomorrow." He explained.

"Why?" Her voice cracked, the emotion of the last new months finally getting the better of her.

"Why do you think, Kate? You left me. You didn't explain anything. What was I supposed to do?" He was angry. But so was she. Kate knew it was petty, and probably misplaced, but she couldn't help being mad at him for this, for giving up on her.

"You could have waited for me."

"How long was I supposed to wait, Kate? 6 months? A year? Several years?" He moved towards her, but still kept his distance. The physical distance between then in the kitchen was only a few feet, emotionally it was so much further, and she knew she had no one to blame but herself. "I thought this was what you wanted." He said quietly.

"No. I never wanted this. I just want to be with you." She cried. She was still holding his wedding ring tightly, wanting so desperately to make him put it back on.

"Then why did you leave?" His question sent them into silence, both of them knowing she couldn't, or wouldn't give him an answer. "Why are you here, Kate?" He repeated his previous question.

"I needed to tell you something." She walked towards him, they were now stood on opposite sides of the island in the kitchen. She placed his ring on the marble counter and slid it over to him. He looked confused for a second, and looked down to his left hand as if he had expected it to be there. Then it struck her. He'd taken it off to do the dishes. He'd forgotten to put it back on.

She felt the most relief she had felt in a long time as she watched him sheepishly slide it back on his finger.

"What do you need to tell me?" He looked dubious, as if he was trying to figure out what on earth had prompted her to arrive at their home late at night.

"I'm pregnant." She said it quietly, so quietly she thought he might not have heard her if she couldn't see the shock written across his face. He didn't say anything, just continued looking at her. "I took a test this morning," she continued "I haven't felt great the last few weeks, and when I thought about it I realised I didn't even remember when I'd last had a period. So I bought a test."

"How?" His voice broke through her rambling, which she was grateful for.

"I don't think I need to explain the how to you," She tried to joke, but instantly knew it had been the wrong thing to do. "Right, not the right time to joke." She cleared her throat and continued "I'm guessing I'm probably close to 9 weeks now, so it probably would have happened a few days before I started as Captain." The rest of her sentence went unsaid, knowing they both understood the implication.

She had fallen pregnant days before she had been shot at. Days before she had walked out on him.

"We weren't exactly being careful." She whispered. They had decided earlier in the summer, as she was at the end of a pack of birth control that they didn't want to prevent it anymore. He had said there would never be a good time to have a baby, that there would always be some reason to put it off. She'd agreed with him.

Now she realised how correct he had been. This wasn't good timing, at all. She loved her baby already, and she couldn't regret it, but the timing was awful.

"Please say something." She begged.

This was far from what she had wanted. Her dreams of him hugging her tightly as they checked the test together never seemed so far away. She had always imagined this conversation would happen between soft kisses and laughs, not stood on opposite sides of their kitchen counter with divorce papers in between them.

"Have you been to the doctor yet?" It wasn't what she had expected, but it was something.

"No, I called this morning. I have an appointment in a couple of days. I'd like you to come." She lost confidence towards the end of her sentence, unsure how he would react.

"Of course I'll come, Kate." She was so relieved she started to cry again, and the concern on his face made the tears come quicker. "Are you going to keep it?"

The nausea rose from her stomach again, and it took everything in her will power to not throw up for the second time in 15 minutes in their kitchen.

"How could you even ask me that?" She shouted, the anger coming back in full force. This was definitely not what she had expected.

"You don't exactly seem overjoyed by it all Kate. Would you even be here if you weren't pregnant? Isn't that the only reason you came back?" He stepped around the counter to stand next to her, able to look directly into her eyes because she still had her shoes on.

"I would always have come back, Rick. Maybe not this quickly, but I would have come back." She reached out to touch him, but hesitated at the last second. Her hand left in the air between them. "As soon as I found out I knew I had made a mistake. I left to protect you, but I took something with me that also needs protecting. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to the baby."

She wasn't lying, the idea was already tearing her heart in two. Before all this she didn't have a mark on her back, not anymore, not really. But she'd but it there. Firmly painted it back on herself, and she had inadvertently taken her child into the firing line with her. She'd decided earlier to drop the case, but was it enough? Had she already taken it too far?

"What do you mean protect me?" He grabbed the hand she had between them and held it tightly. His touch made her entire body feel like it was on fire.

"I'll explain it all, I promise, but you have to promise not to hate me." She begged, tears strolling down her face that she didn't even both to try and stop.

"Oh, Kate. I could never hate you."

* * *

He didn't hate her, she believed him when he said that, but he was definitely angry. As she explained the case, the latest information her and Vikram had found, she could see the anger rising in him, threatening to bubble over.

"It's not that I don't trust you, Rick. I just needed to keep you safe." At some point they'd moved to the sofa. They were sat next to each other, but apart. "I would never come back from losing you."

She expected an onslaught in return, everything she knew she deserved. She expected him to ask her if she thought he could handle losing her, but he didn't. He just stared at her for a few minutes before talking.

"I should have known that I'd never be enough." He muttered.

"That's not what this is about."

"Is it not? I thought we had put this to bed. I understand your need to solve this Kate, I've known that about you since I met you. What I don't understand is why you felt the need to shut me out."

"It made sense at the time. Still does to a certain degree. I'd rather you were alive, happy, and hating me than dead because of me." She grabbed his hand, more confident in herself this time.

"Don't you get it, Kate? I can't be happy without you." He implored, desperate to get her to see how he felt. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, both lost in their own thoughts.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Rick." She whispered, he looked at her expectantly, unsure of her meaning.

"That morning, when Vikram called, I thought I could have it all. I thought I could be a good Captain, a wife, a mother at some point. Now I don't know anymore. This case comes back every time and tears me apart." She wiped a stray tear of her cheek, "And all I can think about is how it is so much a part of me its in my DNA, but what would I have done if we already had a kid when I got that call? I think I still might have left." She admitted, disgusted at her own admission.

She used to believe she could have it all, that she and Rick had taped the broken pieces of her back together enough for her to live a happy life. Now she didn't know anymore. She wanted it all, she wanted it all so badly it hurt, but she didn't know if she could have it.

"I think you need help, Kate. I think we need help." He squeezed her hands, and it was the most assured she had felt in weeks. "I don't want to get a divorce," hearing him say it lifted a weight off her shoulders she didn't know was there. "I want to live a happy life with you, with this baby and whatever future children we have."

She couldn't help herself anymore, and she launched herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. To her relief he hugged back.

"We can't just go back to how we were, you hurt me Kate. It will take us a while to get our rhythm back." She nodded fiercely again his shoulder, willing to agree to anything to get him to trust her again, anything to get them back to where they were. "We can do it all, Kate. We can have a family and still get justice for the people you've lost."

"No, they'll kill us." She panicked, the peace she had felt for the last few minutes dissipating.

"I'm not saying we go at it head first like you have the last couple of months, I'm just saying we can still do it. We've battled dragons before." He pulled away from her slightly to look at her, he ran a hand over her cheek lightly to wipe away another tear. "We can do anything, Kate. Anything you want."

"Right now I'd like to go to bed. With you." She said gently, worried he would be hesitant. When he nodded gently she smiled. "And I'd like to get rid of those papers in the kitchen."

"Consider it done." He responded, and he dropped a kiss to the top of her head before he went into the kitchen. Kate ran her hands over her face and took a deep breath before she stood up herself, exhausted and ready to sleep. "Kate," She turned and saw him stood in the kitchen, a strange look on his face.

"Yeah?"

"Do you know why it smells like vomit in here?"

* * *

She didn't sleep as easily as she had hoped. She turned to the alarm clock on the table next to her, and saw that it was just 3am. Part of her had, naievely, hoped that they would fall back into their natural rhythm when it came to their bed time routine but they hadn't. It had been awkward, and stifled. By the time she left the bathroom he was already in bed, back facing to her side. She had climbed in beside him, longing for the nights not that long ago when they would have fallen asleep in each others arms.

Kate knew she had no one to blame but herself, so she couldn't begrudge him being careful with his own heart. She sighed to herself, seeing the time now said 3:05 and turned over to face his back. She shuffled up to him and laid down as close to him as she could without touching him and willed herself to sleep. She eventually drifted off into an uneasy sleep, her last conscious thought that she had forgotten how comforting his smell was to her.

She had nightmares of faceless dragons and her faceless child, and when she woke her husband still had his back to her, even though she could tell she had woken him up with her dreams.

She had made this choice, had created these consequences. She could live with them until he was able to forgive her enough to love her openly again. Kate just hoped it wouldn't take him too long.

* * *

 **Please let me know what you think!**

 **As for what I said about the "Kate hate" in the last chapter, I was pleased that most of you who reviewed felt the same. Kate Beckett is an incredibly flawed character, and always has been. It was only after Bracken was arrested that we saw her fully allow herself to be happy with Castle. She was happy with him before, you can't deny that, but theres definitely a shift. The end of 8x02 broke my heart, but its true to character in my opinion. She gets blind-sighted by her mothers case and I don't know what would stop her. At least this time, she had the wherewithal to realise how dangerous it was to go head first into it and made a (albeit bad) decision to try and protect the person who means the most to her.**

 **Anyway, I digress. Again. I've got to stop with these crazy Authors Notes!**

 **If you enjoyed this, please check out my other stories. I've currently got a AU story thats ongoing, which is due to be updated soon. Its all a bit cutesy at the moment...but won't be for long! I'm also writing a couple of more lighthearted one shots to help combat all the angst.**

 **So, please review and check out some of my other stuff!**

 **Thanks xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey y'all. Here is the final part to this story.**

I've got to say, the response to this has been overwhelming. I always doubt my writing abilities, and I had gone back and forth between coming back to the site to start posting again for a while. But the, mostly, positive response to this and my other stories has really made me smile.

 **In regards to the reviewers that think I've let Kate get off to easy, I am sorry. I hoped to portray that Castle struggles with forgiving her, but knows that he can. If this hasn't been clear I will try better next time.**

 **At the end of the day, I'm a fluff lover through and through. You'll never read something entirely angsty from me! There will be moments, but as a famous fictional author once said, isn't that what all the great love stories are all about?**

 **Disclaimer: I wish.**

* * *

 _4 Months Later_

Things were better. She knew that. They were better than they had been when he had found her in their kitchen, grasping his wedding ring as she worried it was all over. Things were better, but they still weren't them yet. They hadn't found their balance again, and it scared her. She was starting to worry that he would never fully trust her again.

She saw it in his eyes whenever she was home later than planned. The worry that she had gone again, and taken their child, their son, with her. Kate knew it wouldn't be an instant fix, but she had hoped that they would be further along by now. She wanted her husband to trust her. She wanted to wake up again on the morning she started as Captain and have a do over. She wanted her husband to look at her like she was the sun like he used to.

Kate wanted all of these beautifully mundane things, but she knew she couldn't have them. Not yet.

Kate's train of thought was disturbed by a movement in her stomach. She smiled down at her baby bump and ran a hand gently over it. Regardless of his remaining reservations towards her, he had been amazing with anything baby related. He'd been to all of the appointments, made sure she ate and drank properly and was even working on the nursery single handedly. He was putting almost all of his focus on the baby, and Kate was jealous.

She felt awful for thinking it, and even worse for feeling it, but she couldn't help herself. She was jealous of her son who hadn't even been born yet because he had all of her husbands attention. In the moments when it ate her up the most, when she had to bite back the words begging Castle to stop touching the bump for one moment, she felt like the worst mother in existence.

She loved her son. So much. When they had found out they were having a boy she had been overjoyed, unaware until that exact moment it had been exactly what she wanted. She loved him. But in her darkest moments, the ones that made her want to run back down the rabbit hole head first all over again, she wished things had worked out differently. That the timing had been better. It was these moments she tormented herself with the most on the better days, punishing herself in a way that Castle would never be capable of.

Her son deserved so much better than her, but she would spend the rest of her life trying to be enough.

"Kate?" She looked up to find Lanie stood in front of her looking concerned. They had agreed to have lunch together today, and had decided Lanie could come to Kate's office with something she picked up on the way.

"Hi, sorry. I was just thinking." She offered a smile to her friend, and hoped it looked genuine. As Lanie sat on the couch in the corner of her office and beckoned her over, Kate knew she hadn't been successful in convincing her friend she was ok.

"Come on girl, why don't we feed that Mini-Castle you have inside of you and you can tell me all about it."

Kate lowered herself onto the couch next to her friend. Now she was in her third trimester things were quickly becoming more difficult, and she knew she lacked her usual grace as she sat down.

"It's nothing. Nothing new anyway." Kate sighed as she took the sandwich offered to her.

"So it's to do with Castle then? I thought you two were in therapy?"

The marriage counselling had been his idea. Part of her hadn't wanted to do it, because they knew what their problems were and didn't need to pay a shrink to tell them what had caused this scar on the face of their marriage. He had wanted to go though, and she so desperately wanted to prove to him that she was back in their relationship fully that she had agreed.

"Yeah, we are. It's going ok, although I could do without the pitying stares from the other people in the waiting room."

She was the only noticeably pregnant woman she had seen at the therapists office. This had led to more than one woman in the office sending a pitying look towards her, as if the fact she was pregnant made her marital problems more poignant.

In a way she guessed it did.

"He's just different, Lanie." She admitted softly. "He's everything I always dreamed he'd be with the baby and more. But he still looks at me like he can't bring himself to trust me." She took a small bite of her sandwich, and wondered how on earth Lanie could have guessed her latest obsession with pickles and garlic mayo.

"Girl, can you really blame him?" Lanie implored her, "He's still hurting."

"I know, I do know that. I just," She stopped half way through her sentence. These pregnancy hormones were really kicking her ass, and she knew that she probably would have been an emotional wreck if this had all been as she had wanted. With the added stress of all the problems she had caused it was no wonder she was all over the place.

"You just what, Kate?"

"I just want him to love me again. Like he used to." The tears started then, and she knew it was futile to stop them.

"Oh Kate, he does. He still loves you like that." Lanie put down her own food and pulled her friend into a hug. "I promise you he still does. You should see how he looks at you and you aren't looking. That's never changed."

Kate hugged her friend back, and she desperately wanted it to be true.

"Have you ever asked him what it was like for him after you left?" Lanie asked.

"What do you mean?" Kate sniffed.

"Well, did you know he spent most of his time sleeping in his office?" Kate pulled away from her friend and looked at her in confusion.

"What? No. How did you know that?"

"Alexis told me. Only in passing, mind you, but she mentioned that she had found him sleeping there more than once."

"Oh God. I really screwed up." She put her face in her hands and sighed to herself. He hadn't mentioned it. Not to her, not to their therapist. She wondered what else he was holding back.

"Is that only just occurring to you?" Lanie joked.

"Hey, you're my best friend." She protested, but she couldn't hold back a small chuckle. "Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

"Oh honey. I'm not your best friend. Castle is. He has been for a long time."

* * *

Before they had finished their lunch Lanie had said something else that had caught her attention. Something she hadn't even considered.

 _"_ _I think you sometimes forget that he's not just yours, but the publics too."_

Castle had been famous long before she had come along, she had always known that. It hadn't crossed her mind at any point that her leaving him might end up in the press. Not once. After Lanie had left, with the promise of another catch up soon, Kate found herself sat at her computer daring herself to press enter, with her own name, along with his, typed into the Google search bar.

He had told her at the beginning of their romantic relationship to never do this. That it was not a can of worms that needed opening. She did it before she could think too much about it. She clicked on the "news section," the latest articles about his potential book tour in the fall. She even noticed the odd one had mentioned her pregnancy.

She crinkled her nose at those, uncomfortable with the fact there were pictures of her quite clearly looking pregnant in a couple low key gossip magazines. Not only did it irritate that part of her which would always be incredibly private, but she couldn't help but wonder who else would have seen this. People who could be after her. She moved one hand to her belly, stroking over where her son was kicking her from the inside and she continued scrolling through until she got to her destination. Then she saw them, the articles Lanie had hinted at.

 _Divorce number 3 for Eligible Bachelor number 6?_

 _Castle's Shortest Marriage Yet_

 _Real Life Nicki Heat Walks Out on Castle_

There were dozens of them, but Kate couldn't read a single one. The articles enough to break her heart. She wondered how it had got out, how the press had found out he had another supposed unsuccessful marriage. But she knew she hadn't been subtle in the beginning, trying to keep him as far away as possible without succeeding. Not everyone in the precinct was as loyal to them as Ryan and Esposito. Some of the newer officers could be turned by money.

"Shit." She whispered to herself, locking the screen on her computer before she could look at anymore. "What am I going to do, baby?" She addressed her stomach, hand still tracing random patterns across her shirt. "How can I fix this?"

She wasn't sure she could, but she could certainly try.

* * *

Kate made a point of being home as soon as she could, and was happy to see him sat in the living room as she arrived. He was literally surrounded by baby clothes and other paraphernalia, and she wondered when on earth he had bought it all.

"At this rate he'll have more clothes than me before he's even born." She piped up, alerting him of her presence.

"I don't know if anything could ever top your impressive coat and shoe collection, but if thats a challenge I am willing to accept." He quipped back. He was smiling at her, and she hoped tonight would be easy. Things were when they spoke about the baby. "How was work?"

"Long. Full of paperwork." She said as she took off her coat, and settled herself onto the one space on the sofa that wasn't covered in her babies belongings. It was definitely over the top. If things were easier between them, if the banter was as natural as it used to be she would tell him that. But she didn't want to disrupt the tentative peace between them, so she kept quiet.

They fell into an easy silence, him continuing to go through all the things he had bought, whilst she looked intently at a onesie with an elephant on it that was next to her. She smiled to herself. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she was so unsure how to say it.

She felt like she had in the third year of their partnership. When he had Gina, and she had Josh and they were ignoring their feelings towards each other. Sure, the light hearted banter was there, the longing looks and poorly covered flirtation. Things were different now though. They were married, they shared a bed. They were having sex again. They had a baby on the way. She had all of these things that she didn't have all those years ago, but she didn't know how to talk to her husband anymore, and she could only blame herself.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He asked. She looked up to him from the onesie she had clasped in her hands. He was looking at her, his face a mix of confusion and concern.

"A penny? Surely you could afford more than that." She joked lamely as a chuckle died on her tongue.

"Kate." He said firmly, clearly no longer in the mood to joke.

"Sorry," She whispered. She straightened in her place on the sofa as well as she could. "I've just been all over the place today. Thinking about us. The baby. Therapy." She hated herself for the tears she could feel forcing their way out of her eyes. A sob tore from her throat and she covered her mouth with her hand.

She always managed to make everything about herself.

"Oh Kate. Sweetheart." He moved from his place on the other side of the sofa and perched himself on his knees in front of her. He grabbed the hand that was over her mouth and held it between his own. "What's brought this on?" She shook her head slightly, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

"Stuff Lanie said. Thing's I've been thinking for a while. I'm just so worried we'll never get back to where we were. It's been four months and you still look at me like I'm going to leave."

Kate knew she was being ridiculous, and selfish. Hypocritical even, if she considered that she still didn't let him drive if they went to the Hampton's. She struggled to let him drive anywhere alone, the thought that he could just disappear still too overpowering to ignore.

She'd had over 18 months and get over that, but she couldn't given him 6. The thought made her cry harder. They had been through so much together. Surely this couldn't be the thing to break them? Not when there was so much more on the line now.

"We'll get there, Kate. I know I've been distant, maybe a little too distant." He soothed, moving his hands to her cheeks. "But it will take time."

"How much time?"

"I don't know." He answered honestly. "We may never be exactly like we were before this happened. We might never get back to how we were when I gave you that bracelet that morning." She sobbed again, and tried to move away from his grasp, but he held her face a little firmer, made her look at him. "But, Kate. Maybe we'll be better. Okay? We'll find our feet again. We've done it before."

She couldn't talk, not wanting to hear how torn up her voice would be. So she simply nodded. She leant as far forward as her belly would allow, and leant her forehead on his.

"We'll be better." She whispered after a moment. Basking in one of the more intimate, honest moments they had had since she had come home. He nodded slightly against her head and pulled away, she missed him as soon as he moved away. As he stood she heard his knee click, and she giggled slightly as he groaned. He walked to the kitchen to make dinner, and left her to collect herself slightly.

Kate took a deep breath and unclenched her fist around the onesie she still had clasped there. She smiled as she smoothed it out, taking in the goofy smile on the cartoon elephants face once more.

Things were far from perfect, but then again they had never been perfect in the first place. She was sure she'd have doubts again, and there would be days when he would struggle to hold back his anger at her. But right now, in this second, she felt sure things would be okay.

* * *

When their son is born just short of three months later, she knew she had made the right choice.

He was worth everything.

The first time she finds herself alone with her little boy, whilst Castle is out in the hallway calling just about everybody they know, she whispers promises to him she hopes she'll have the strength to keep.

* * *

 **There you have it!**

 **I seriously hope you enjoyed it. I definitely enjoyed writing it. Kind of stress relieving really.**

 **I do have an idea for a potential sequel to this. It would be longer, and would focus on the dreaded 'case' as well as them continuing to re-build their relationship. Don't worry, that doesn't mean she'd leave him again or anything. It would possibly be 5 or so chapters. If that is something you would be interested in...let me know :)**

 **Please review!**

 **P.S. Find me on tumblr at! Username: maythedanceneverstop**


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